Time does heal. It heals insignificant things the fastest; more significant things slowest. In this particular situation I’m in, I’m not sure how I feel about anything. I decided to have sex with my best friend to get the image of someone else out of my head. Did this work? No. Did it make sex less awful though? Yes. Am I sure what’s going on in my head? Fuck no.
Is there still fear about being raped? Sure. It’s not the fear of being physically thrown around, it’s the fear of not being respected enough so when I say no it’s taken as no. I don’t fear men. I fear their reactions and wants and how they satisfy those things.
If I can get over this in two weeks, I’m getting more adapt to healing in adverse situations. Or maybe this will just hound me for several years but lightly. I’m not sure what’s better, to be unable to focus because you’re seeing his face in your head and how it felt when he entered you, or just knowing the fact that you weren’t respected enough as a person, as a woman, to have him have the decency to go jerk off somewhere instead of use you.
There’s anger about this for sure. For sure. But it is diminishing. It’s turning into sadness instead. And now, now all I have to do for myself is gain self respect and know that when I say no, I have the power to stop them.
