no, seriously, that’s sexual harassment.
every time i hear trevor hall i think about the rape. it’s a shame, really, because trevor hall is quite fantastic. it’s just interesting that the brain is so connected to music and memories. i wish it wasn’t so i could just enjoy the music without thinking about his face, and what entirely went on.
i can see it in my head, his room, the sweet house, looking at the stars from the bed because the window looks out into the sky. how the house was colder because it’s in the mountains and the fact that there was a breeze that night. how johnny cash and trevor hall was playing. how i was actually, really happy until i was disrespected. how the night was just so enjoyable, looking over the valley from the front deck. how i took long exposure photographs of the valley at night. and how much of a coward i was for not removing myself from that situation, knowing that i really didn’t have any place to go- that i could leave and go to another house, but then have to create an excuse for why i had left. because the truth is not always a welcome thing.
and i don’t want to say that this is an event that has defined me, but even though i want to deny it it has shaped me. i don’t think about sex and think, “oh, that sounds like a good time.” i think “oh, i don’t want anyone to touch me.” but the bottom line is that i really enjoy cuddling and hugs and being close to people and doing this makes me uneasy now. am i expected to provide sex to males because i am their friend? the automatic answer is no, but the real answer is case by case. and the fact that i don’t like males anyways just provides more insult to injury. seriously. do i need to carry around a sign and give out free t-shirts saying “i’m a lesbian and that means that i don’t want to sleep with you!” i shouldn’t have to. i shouldn’t even have to think about this.
but i am and i do.
i’m trying to reevaluate my life goals and plans and how i was planning on achieving them. i’m no longer making utah a priority for the summer. i don’t think i can go back there on the terms that i am on right now. i associate many places with different people and whenever i am near that place, even though it’s beautiful, i feel weird, like maybe i could have either prevented it or changed the outcome.
it’s ridiculous to dwell on things i cannot change, but here i am.
