January 2012
3 posts
no, seriously, that's sexual harassment.
every time i hear trevor hall i think about the rape. it’s a shame, really, because trevor hall is quite fantastic. it’s just interesting that the brain is so connected to music and memories. i wish it wasn’t so i could just enjoy the music without thinking about his face, and what entirely went on.
i can see it in my head, his room, the sweet house, looking at the stars from...
September 2011
6 posts
the rape is all i think about. i’m a wilderness therapy instructor, i should be able to get over this. but i cannot. all i think about is the rape.
and now i’m in Lander, WY, waiting to embark on a 94 day semester in the wilderness with NOLS and all i can think about is the rape. how i’m uncomfortable to be in my own skin again. how i’m uncomfortable around other males,...
5 tags
i want to join the army like no other. right now....
“i’m not a smoker and all i want right now is a cigarette. menthol....”
sixty eight whiskey →
this is what i want to do. i know that i’m not going to be able to start out as one, but i can work towards this. i know it’s going to be difficult and taxing and i’m going to want to quit multiple times. i also know that it’s going to be worth it. this is what i want.
August 2011
7 posts
I. Just. Want. Someone. To. Hold. My. Hand. I...
my sister had her marriage ceremony yesterday. it was lovely. i was holding back tears when they both were saying their vows.
i’m worried and terrified that i’m going to become old and be alone. i have all of this love, all of this affection and wanting to nurture a person and i’m afraid that it’s going to be wasted. i’m not in a great place for a relationship....
“i have so much to say; i’m both afraid and terrified to write it down. so,...”
i’m smoking for the first time like a year. I didn’t think i’d ever do this. but since the rape, everything is possible.
Hanging out with a friend who just came back from Afghanistan, it’s good to hang out and connect again.
July 2011
6 posts
Time does heal. It heals insignificant things the fastest; more significant things slowest. In this particular situation I’m in, I’m not sure how I feel about anything. I decided to have sex with my best friend to get the image of someone else out of my head. Did this work? No. Did it make sex less awful though? Yes. Am I sure what’s going on in my head? Fuck no.
Is there...
It’s been over a week, and I still don’t feel in control over my body. I haven’t eaten much since what happened, I’m not hungry. I think it’s my way of taking control over my body.
I have no interest in sex. I want nothing to do with it. All I can see is his face, the beard, the piercing eyes as he entered me. How I felt so invalidated and how I feel that the whole...
blogsecret:
I’m petrified to get my license, because I don’t know if in a depressive rage while driving that I will be able to stop myself from purposely crashing the car.
I’m petrified of this too, only I have my license which is even more terrifying.
June 2011
12 posts
there is just so much chaos in my head i don’t know how to handle it
this off shift has been such a mindfuck
but i don’t want life to stop now-this is how much i have grown in the last couple of years
i can handle whatever is thrown at me
“There are moments in life when it is all turned inside out—what is real...”
– Aleksandar Hemon
I hate everything about being a girl. It's awful...
I went miniature golfing for the first time today....
I fucking hate you. It’s been four years altogether. FOUR YEARS. And you still affect me even though I know you shouldn’t. Here I am, with a sweet amazing job in the wilderness of Utah and still want to spend time with you even though you were terrible to me, you cheated on me, you treated me like shit for a very long time. Everything was and still is about YOU. The world does not...
“You’re still the only one that feels like home”
– Missy Higgins, Ten Days
July 2009
3 posts
It's been over a year, but we had a honest...
5451.) Believe it or not, I love your faults.
(via blogsecret)
June 2009
24 posts
I was talking to her about it.
lunaesoleil:
pandabites:
lunaesoleil:
And I…didn’t know what to say. I’d like to pretend that the actions were different and the outcomes still the same, but either way there were broken hearts.
I just wish she’d bloody understand—I’m not worth the time. 7 months, I’m not worth the goddamn time. Dark is right. Find some sun…I wasn’t the right sliver of moonlight. I’m never going to be....
It’s bearable, the time I spend away from her. But the worst time is the day or two, or week, after I’ve seen her. Because then she’s still in my clothes, my mind, my heart. I may not be in hers; I don’t know what she feels. But she’s in mine.
I hope that she knows that. It’s just difficult. Here I am, I have so much love and attention that I want to shower on...
lunaesoleil:
lickystickypickyme:
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives...
I was talking to her about it.
lunaesoleil:
And I…didn’t know what to say. I’d like to pretend that the actions were different and the outcomes still the same, but either way there were broken hearts.
I just wish she’d bloody understand—I’m not worth the time. 7 months, I’m not worth the goddamn time. Dark is right. Find some sun…I wasn’t the right sliver of moonlight. I’m never going to be. Dark side or bursting with...
I like reading writing of mine from months and years ago. It’s plainly apparent that I’ve grown and learned, and I love that.
I love that I’m not just standing in time like an idiot, not learning from my experiences. I most certainly am learning.
Luna taught me alot, and she continues to teach me. I am blessed to have that influence in my life.
I forgot how much I love Linkin Park.
Public Service Announcement:
Love and the act of loving sucks.
So do emotions.
You may return to your regularly scheduled procrastination now.
Well, fuck
this shit.
Cherryblossom was right, I should’t see her when she’s home, because it’s nauseatingly apparent that I’m still in love with her.
And as much as I don’t want it, she’s right about that.
There’s always going to be that what if now-what if I had gone to WWU, would things have turned out different?