Spark

no, seriously, that’s sexual harassment.

every time i hear trevor hall i think about the rape. it’s a shame, really, because trevor hall is quite fantastic. it’s just interesting that the brain is so connected to music and memories. i wish it wasn’t so i could just enjoy the music without thinking about his face, and what entirely went on. 

i can see it in my head, his room, the sweet house, looking at the stars from the bed because the window looks out into the sky. how the house was colder because it’s in the mountains and the fact that there was a breeze that night. how johnny cash and trevor hall was playing. how i was actually, really happy until i was disrespected. how the night was just so enjoyable, looking over the valley from the front deck. how i took long exposure photographs of the valley at night. and how much of a coward i was for not removing myself from that situation, knowing that i really didn’t have any place to go- that i could leave and go to another house, but then have to create an excuse for why i had left. because the truth is not always a welcome thing. 

and i don’t want to say that this is an event that has defined me, but even though i want to deny it it has shaped me. i don’t think about sex and think, “oh, that sounds like a good time.” i think “oh, i don’t want anyone to touch me.” but the bottom line is that i really enjoy cuddling and hugs and being close to people and doing this makes me uneasy now. am i expected to provide sex to males because i am their friend? the automatic answer is no, but the real answer is case by case. and the fact that i don’t like males anyways just provides more insult to injury. seriously. do i need to carry around a sign and give out free t-shirts saying “i’m a lesbian and that means that i don’t want to sleep with you!” i shouldn’t have to. i shouldn’t even have to think about this. 

but i am and i do. 

i’m trying to reevaluate my life goals and plans and how i was planning on achieving them. i’m no longer making utah a priority for the summer. i don’t think i can go back there on the terms that i am on right now. i associate many places with different people and whenever i am near that place, even though it’s beautiful, i feel weird, like maybe i could have either prevented it or changed the outcome. 

it’s ridiculous to dwell on things i cannot change, but here i am. 

the rape is all i think about. i’m a wilderness therapy instructor, i should be able to get over this. but i cannot. all i think about is the rape. 

and now i’m in Lander, WY, waiting to embark on a 94 day semester in the wilderness with NOLS and all i can think about is the rape. how i’m uncomfortable to be in my own skin again. how i’m uncomfortable around other males, even though i know fairly well because frankly that’s how the rape(s) went. 

it’s not even the fact that my body was violated. it was the fact that i wasn’t respected was the biggest deal. and now, now i just feel unheard. all of this talking and i don’t feel like anybody. 

i want to join the army like no other. right now. right now. i would be fantastic in the army. watch me do this, because it WILL happen.

I. Just. Want. Someone. To. Hold. My. Hand. I mean really? is that too much to ask?

(Source: blogsecret)

my sister had her marriage ceremony yesterday. it was lovely. i was holding back tears when they both were saying their vows. 

i’m worried and terrified that i’m going to become old and be alone. i have all of this love, all of this affection and wanting to nurture a person and i’m afraid that it’s going to be wasted. i’m not in a great place for a relationship. it’s going to be two years until i’m done with school for now at least, and then a proposed hopefully at least four in some military branch. plus, after that, who knows, i may enjoy being in the military and stay in. if not, then i need to find an urban area to run with as a paramedic. 

this is terrifying. this means that i’ll be at least 27 by the time i am even remotely able to have a relationship. i want to have a relationship now. i have all of this heart. i want a person to dote on. 

but i can’t have that.